A Marker In the Ground

I wish I knew what was happening to me.  Maybe someone coming after me can benefit from my experience if they see the same trends in themselves. I noticed some dark changes in my personality and I don’t like them at all. A couple weeks ago I was in the kitchen when I was overcome with a hugely intense dizzy spell and collapsed to the floor. I have never ever had such an intense spell. I was both unable and unwilling to try to get up and stayed on the floor for at least 5 minutes. Since then I’ve noticed a tremor in my right hand, vision difficulties, shortness of temper—at the most insignificantly stupid things. I've also developed an odd stutter especially with words beginning with "sh" or "st." I’ve become critical at everyone around me and prefer just to be left alone. Where I used to be an eager and constant participant at my religious meetings, now I just sit and quietly listen. I want to participate, I just can get myself to do it.

I’ve mentioned before that my oncologist’s best-guess is that I have about 6 months to live. I really don’t feel that I am that close to death. But there are times while lying in bed that I get a mildly sharp pain in my chest. Insomnia seems to be my constant nightly companion and an ever-increasingly LOUD tinnitus dominates my life 24/7. Perhaps these things have added to my short temper, but I really hate to make excuses. I ought to know better. I am very angry and frustrated with my body for the way it seems to be abandoning me. I dread the idea of becoming incapacitated. Now that I’ve sold my car (after driving for nearly 50 years) and having to be dependent on everyone for getting around, I already see the “writing on the wall” regarding my near future and I don’t like it one bit. Unlike others, I thought of myself as being pretty good about accepting my limitations, but lately I’m not so sure about that.

In short, I hate my body for not letting me rest and for letting me down. I hate myself for alienating those close to me. I wish I understood why I’m acting this way. I’m better than that—or at least I thought I was. I want this article to be a “marker in the ground” so that in a few months I can look back and compare. Again, hopefully someone else will somehow find this helpful.

Please note: I am not looking for any feedback on this post.

Driving -- A Milestone in Life

It has been jokingly said that if you play a country song backwards, you get your dog back, your wife back, your truck back, etc. That’s pretty much my life, but in reverse. When I was 16 I got my driver’s license, then I got a car, then I turned 21 and could drink. Now, my life is going into reverse – mostly because of my health. First, I noticed I could no longer even drink one beer without getting woozy. Currently, just a half a can (about 6oz), and I’m ready to sleep. I’ve always enjoyed alcoholic beverages in moderation. I’m not one that “needs” to have a drink. I can go without it for months and not even think of it nor miss it. But now it seems that because of my weakened state and the medications I’m on, it really isn’t wise to drink any alcohol at all. And that saddens me. About once every 3 or 4 months, I enjoyed a nice stout beer, or a Kahlua and Cream, or maybe even a Long Island Iced Tea.

But now comes even a bigger loss – now I’m having to give up driving. I hope I’m not being overly dramatic but I sense just by posting this I am. Today marks a major milestone for me. Today I sold my car – it will be my last car. My decision to finally do this is based on the progression of my cancer and the effects it is having on all my senses. Although at present I still have my driver’s license, it probably won’t be long before some doctor sends notice to the DMV that I am no longer qualified to drive. That was already threatened once about 2 years ago by another doctor when I started having memory issues. Thankfully, after testing it was determined I wasn’t at the outset of Alzheimer’s, but rather just overly tired from sleep apnea. I’ve been driving around 50 years. Over the years I’ve seen folks whose health was an obvious hindrance to their driving safely yet they continued driving. I can understand what an emotionally devastating blow this is to one’s ego, self-determination, and sense of independence. But I didn’t want to be so stubborn that I risked not only my own life but the lives of others on the road.

I realize that I will now become dependent on others for anything I want or need to get done. Just “jumping in the car” to act on some whim is no longer an option. Gone are days of grabbing a coffee at my local cafe; or getting a quick breakfast or lunch at some restaurant; or just going on some day trip to enjoy my hobby of photography. From here on out, if I want to do any of those things, I’ll first need to find a ride. (I’ve become too weak to walk even a few feet without needing to rest, so walking to places is out of the question.)

In talking with youth today, it seems many of them don’t start driving at age 16. I did. I got my “learner’s permit” at 15 and a half years old. I took driver’s education as part of the curriculum offered at my high school in my sophomore year. Even back in the mid 1960’s the Los Angeles Freeway system was an intimidating experience, especially for a new driver. But afterwards, I was driving daily on the freeway system between home and school, a total of 13 miles one way. I also drove myself to my medical appointments at a major Los Angeles hospital. (I had a childhood muscular disease that was active from age 9 until 16 when I asked my dad to please stop the surgeries – they were just maiming me without results.)

I left home when I was 19, first living out of my 1969 Datsun PL510 4-door with my first dog. (Mother wouldn’t allow me to have a dog so I decided to move out.) That Datsun was a “stick shift” as were many of the vehicles I would subsequently own. I drove from the Los Angeles area to a suburb east of San Francisco, some 400+ miles. I had nowhere to live, I just wanted to be where it was greener. The police (city, county and state) stopped me frequently and I got “detained” once for being a loiterer. At one point, the county police told me I had 24 hours to find a place to live, otherwise they’d “escort” me out of the county. I found a place, but continued using my car to carry everything I owned, which wasn’t much. My dog was in the backseat with my guitar. In the trunk were three boxes – one for books (I loved to read), one for food (canned and other non-perishables), and one for clothes.

After a few months, I got a job at a local pharmacy as a stock clerk and delivery driver. Just 3 years later I had married and had upgraded my car. At times when we could only afford a single car, I’d have to settle for an automatic because my wife was too befuddled trying to drive a stick. But as soon as we could afford two cars, I promptly returned to driving a stick. I just loved the control it gave me. Over the years, I drove a series of Mazda “puddle jumpers.” They were economic to drive. But in 2005, after driving sticks for nearly 40 years, my left knee began to hurt from all the stop-n-go commute traffic. So I bought a car with an automatic transmission. And that is the car I’ve just today sold. I won’t miss it. Cars themselves have never been a fascination to me. But the ability to be mobile is something I will miss. I’m sure I will catch myself at times thinking, “Well, I’ll just jump in the car and…” only to realize I can’t.

Then again, I really don’t feel overwhelmingly sorry for myself or the situation. When I reflect on all the youth that, through the decades of my being alive, lost their lives to disease, war, or “accidents,” I am nothing but grateful for the full life that I’ve had. It is actually oddly interesting observing the LP (long play) album of my life play out. But it’s no country/western song. I’m more a jazz enthusiast. (Wink)

About

Then Fades Away

Scripture has long waxed poetic about man’s short time on earth. I've mentioned this before, but since age 9, I’ve had to deal with serious health issues that have demonstrated to me just how fragile and short our existence can be. Between ages 9 and 16 I had multiple surgeries for some odd muscular disease. During those years, going to Children’s hospital in Los Angeles, I got to know other children, much sicker than I was. Surprisingly, they seemed to deal with it much better than I’ve subsequently seen adults deal with it. One particularly happy boy was in the hospital permanently. I remember when I was 16 going in for a checkup. It was memorable for me because I had just become a licensed driver and it was my first trip to the hospital by myself. I went up to the ward and asked to see the boy. The nurse bowed her head and started crying. He had died. This boy, who was on a specially designed gurney with large, wheelchair-like front wheels so he could be mobile (he had to be flat on his belly), had appointed himself a one-man greeting committee. He would wheel into other children’s rooms who were frightened and apprehensive and he would cheer them up. Now he was gone. I also started crying. But more than that, in a private prayer to God, I told him that if I lived just one day longer than that boy, I’d have nothing to complain about.

Since then (around 5 decades), I’ve lost close friends who died in their late 30s and early 40s. The latter, I had known since my late 20s when he was a teen. They both died with dignity, always unselfishly thinking of others and not focusing on themselves. In a conversation with my oncologist yesterday, I related the above experiences and told him that I am nothing but grateful to Jehovah that I’ve lived more than 6 decades. I’m actually blown away that I’ve lived this long. I told him I do not fear death because I understand what scripture says about it – that in God’s eyes, we are merely “sleeping” in death and to him it is no more effort than to call out to us to wake up (in the resurrection). The imagery I see here is a loving father walking into the bedroom of his dear child and gently rousing him. (Yes, yes, I'm well aware of the commanding voice scriptures speak of.)

It has been around a year since I’ve posted anything about my health. I felt an update would be good. Based on the continuing issues with leukemia, bladder cancer and bone marrow failure, the oncologist felt we are looking about another 12 months before things start going drastically south. My latest bout with pneumonia this past week (which seemed to come out of nowhere) is just one more indication my immune system is being challenged to keep this boat afloat. He wanted me to reiterate my wishes now that we are getting closer. I confirmed that I’d rather have some semblance of a useful life than to be repeatedly assaulted with intrusive treatments that knock me off my feet for weeks at a time. (And mind you, “some semblance of a useful life” is far from what is normal. It seems every day I wake up and have to accept a new, lesser form of normal.) I declined any further surgeries or chemo treatments. He agreed that at this point, attempting to treat the situations would be harder on my body than just letting things take their course. I told him that in my mind, there is a difference between preserving life and extending death. He asked, “Besides what you don’t want, is there anything you do want?” I asked only that I be made as comfortable as possible. He suggested hospice. I told him that it really is way too soon to make that decision.

Earlier this month I mentioned it had been several months since I had posted. I’ve noticed within the last week that I’ve had chronic migraines on a daily basis and it is getting increasingly difficult to commit my thoughts to writing. So I have no idea just how much I’ll be able to post in the upcoming months. It really is not a big worry to me. I started this blog only as a means to keep my mind active. I never expected to actually have others (I didn’t personally know) reading it. I chose the blog instead of a private diary because there were some specific thoughts I wanted to be able to share with friends by merely providing a link. But now, several years later, checking the Stats page, I’ve noticed my blog is being read by people in many parts of the world. Within the first day of being posted, any particular post will have  a couple dozen readers. I’m honored, even if it is only those who disagree with my scriptural viewpoints.

Deal with Insomnia & Sleepless Nights

I suffer with insomnia in cycles. Sometimes I will doze off nearly immediately, but within an hour I am wide awake--for nearly half the night! Recently, I was on a 2 week cycle of not sleeping and I couldn't relate it to anything physical or emotional. So I did some research and discovered a hunch of mine was true--our technology can drive bouts of insomnia and it has nothing to do with worrying if we are missing a contact on our smartphones.

TVs, computer screens, and today's smart phones--what do they have in common? Answer--illuminated screens. Yes, not just the content (which can keep our minds active) but the mere illumination (staring directly at a light source) has an affect on our body's ability to wind down and get restful sleep. The answer: Turn off all illuminated devices at least 30 minutes before going to bed. (BBC Report here)

If you feel the need for some mental stimulus, read a physical book. But not horror, suspense or anything that cause angst or conflict in the mind. Light-hearted, uplifting reading fits the bill very nicely because it puts us in a restful & contented frame of mind. My wife enjoys the Chicken Soup series but you may have other interests. (For me, I can't even read technical publications, which are my favorite, because it causes too much thinking when what I need is to relax the brain.)

There are numerous other suggestions that can be found on the web to handle insomnia such as warm bath (not shower); soft music (even nature sound-tracks such as rain, ocean or the like); journaling (not necessarily a diary, but a brain dump of what you did during the day, the uncompleted work you need to handle, etc.) What jouraling does is that it allows your mind to "let go" of everything that is bothering it.

Finally, just when you go to bed, take SLOW DEEP breaths. This is scientifically proven to relax muscles. Don't hyperventilate, just a few, easy deep breaths. After doing this, close your eyes and use mental imagery to project yourself to your most peaceful surroundings. For me, it is Big Sur, CA. You'll be surprised how quickly you will doze off.

Cooking Up A Storm

Well, maybe not a storm. More like a little dust devil.

I like cooking--I just don't. Actually, I started teaching myself to cook about 20 years ago, but my wife didn't like what I made and usually (teasingly) shooshed me out of "her" kitchen. In the past 4 or 5 years, I started watching the Food channel and, purely through osmosis, learned things I'd never known or understood before--such things as terminology; which tools to use for what; the indicators of knowing when something was "done."

Over the years I started feeling more comfident in the kitchen. Now, when my wife is out of town, I actually enjoy trying to prepare a meal. I must admit, my biggest downfall is multitasking in trying to prepare more than just a single item meal. I did observe that those on TV worked "smart and not hard" in that they prepared to cook by having previously measured portions in readily available cups, dishes and plates. I also learned that high heat is not necessarily the most effective way to cook. (I can see you giggling, but yes, I didn't know that before.)

When I was child, my grandmother taught me how to make homemade ice cream and that was something I would do at least once every summer when our children were growing up. In my teens, my mother taught me how to make a cake. (I have a recipe for a killer chocolate frosting that would even make my mother jealous....  She'd ask: "Why does the cakes you make disappear in a couple days and the ones I make sit around and get thrown out?" I'd laugh and say mine were moist (and they were) and tasted good.)

When I was in my 30's I finally learned how make scrambled eggs. (Hey, it was an achievement for me. I know, you're a professional chef and you find this all quite amusing.) Well, just last week, I got tired of scrambled eggs and wanted to be daring. I wanted to make something really hard--an omelette. So I watched some Youtube videos and then set out to do it--to make a French omelette. (I still struggle with coordinating anything beyond one item. So, I just can't time even making a piece of buttered toast or some hashbrowns. I just get too flustered. So I diced up some ham, pre-grated some sharp cheese, chopped some chives, mixed the egg with a little milk and whipped that with a fork. That was the prep. Next I heated the pan, dropped some butter, then poured the eggs and added the chives. I carefully followed the instructions in the video. Long story made short: It was delicious, but the presentation was lacking--it fell to pieces when I tried to plate it. (Ok, catch your breath and stop laughing so hard.) Oh, and I was actually able to make some tea that was ready just on time for me to plate the eggs.

That's pretty much my experience with cooking. (Altough I do make a great cappacino, that really isn't cooking.)

So, at nearly 61, I can make desserts (oh yeah, I forgot to mention I bought myself a Creme Brulee book and have gotten pretty good with that dessert.) I can scramble eggs and make coffee and I know how to prepare bagels and lox, but that's little more than assembling cold cuts. Even I know you can't call that "cooking."

Neti Pot, Take Two

When I wrote this post back in December 2010, I was relatively new to the Neti Pot. Now, after 1 year of experience, I am revisiting the subject.

Measuring the Salt: I now keep a salt grinder (similar to a pepper grinder) filled with rock salt. Twelve twists on the cap into a large coffee cup is the measuring I use.

Hot Purified Water: After putting in the salt, I fill the cup with hot purified water and stir until the water is clear. (The salt will cloud the water until it dissolves.) This eliminates the boiling and storage and re-heating process, thus simplifying it a great deal. (Note: originally I had written "hot tap water," however recent studies are finding that the impurities in tap water can have severe consequences including death.)

Cold Water When Stuffed Up: When your sinuses are swollen ("stuffed up") no amount of hot water is going to unplug it. In fact, hot water will just make the situation worse. What I just discovered is that when your sinuses are swollen, use cold water. This will reduce the swelling and the water will run through.

Reaching Out

Its easy, when you've been unemployed for a long period of time, to take a negative viewpoint on many things. People become soured about the controlling political power not providing jobs, become soured over their inability to buy, become soured over the news reports that seem to indicate that the economy is improving when, in fact, nobody they know sees it.

I can’t say I’m jumping for joy that I’ve been out of work for more than 8 months now. I can’t say that I’m elated that out of the uncountable attempts to find work, it hasn’t even resulted in one interview. Note, I didn't say a positive interview or a negative interview.  Just an interview, period!

When I first lost my job, I did a meet-n-greet with one particular agency that gave me the impression they’d have me working in less than two weeks. Now I can’t even get them to return my calls. I was told by the agent that my skills were very refined and there was not much competition in the market. My knowledge of MS-Excel is so extensive that I’m probably in the upper 10-percentile meaning that few can match my knowledge. I know that while I was employed at AT&T, no one in my team of over 400 had the knowledge I did. I was called on to fix even VBA routines that others had written and was “broken.” At one point, my boss was so impressed that she had people from other organizations within AT&T contacting me to assist them with problems. I really felt valued. So it has been a bit of a shock that I haven’t found work yet.

I've joked about becoming a greeter at Wal-Mart. But then I’m probably too young (at 60). (Yes, that was my weak attempt at finding humor in a sad situation.)

My age is one thing. It seems no one wants a person in my age bracket. Employers can hire much younger individuals for much less money and intimidate them into producing the output they want. Folks my age and with my experience-level don’t tolerate that treatment. But then, from what I am seeing of the present economy, there is no particular age group that is immune from being members of the unemployed ranks.

However, in my case, my age is not the only thing. I have CLL (the least aggressive form of leukemia). When I was first diagnosed in October of 2010, I was told they discovered the disease in the very early stages and that even without treatment, I’d still have another dozen or so years of life. More than year later, after bi-monthly blood tests, the condition is worsening ever-so-slightly. There are days when I have such bad dizzy spells that I need to lay down and rest. There are mornings that I wake up completely soaked from profuse night-sweats (both are symptoms of the condition). Still, the oncologist feels I am only at the very beginning of the condition and says he plans no treatments of any sort nor has he prescribed any meds for the condition.

Given my symptoms, I sense that it is unlikely I could hold down another typical Monday thru Friday, 8-hours-a-day job. I know I need to try. I’ve tried earnestly to find something that would allow me to work from home—all to no avail. There is one possible opportunity, but even if it works out, the potential for earning a living will be a very slow-growth situation. I know a CPA whose customers are mostly small businesses that use Excel but not as proficiently as they could. After learning of my skills, this CPA felt we could work together to develop a mutually beneficial partnership. It sounds like it is exactly what I need. But even after a couple months of working together, I’ve barely generated enough for a dinner-for-two at a moderately priced restaurant. It’s nobody’s fault. He’s just very busy with his CPA work.

So what’s the bottom line, after all this reflection? As I started out saying, people can become very negative. I've found that feeling sorry for myself, feeling anger about being laid off, feeling frustration over not finding work is counterproductive and self destructive. I’ve realized that focusing inward is not the solution. I’ve kept myself busy reaching people with the Bible’s message. I find in my outreach efforts, that there are plenty of people that are much worse off than I am—mostly because of all the things that are and are not going right in their lives, the one thing that is really damaging them is their lack of understanding from a spiritual perspective. In contrast, my faith in Jehovah, the God of the Bible, and his son Jesus Christ is unwavering. Even though the situations with my unemployment and my health are discouraging, I at least have a well-anchored belief that I can intelligently converse over. This alone I feel has kept me grounded with a positive frame of mind.

But even those without faith might be able to glean something from my ramblings—try community work of some sort. It can be rewarding and restore a degree of self-worth.

Why do I share these reflections? I hope that by doing so it may touch someone, anyone, that is looking to make some sense of the times we are living in.

Razor Sharp

I heard several months ago that gently tapping my razor (Gillette Mach3) on a cloth about a dozen or more times after each shave would help extend the razor's "life." The theory is that by removing the water from the blade, you reduce the likelihood of rust and corrosion. I can't say I've ever seen any of those blades become rusty--mostly because I think they are stainless steel to begin with. Nonetheless, they do become dull.

I shave about 5 days every week, and one blade lasts about 3 months (yes, 3 months, not 3 weeks). So I thought I was getting a pretty good return on my money to begin with. Just today I was at Costco and priced the blades--they had a 24-pack for $48.00, or $2.00 for each blade, or about 0.67 cents per month.

A couple nights ago I decided to search the internet for other ideas to extend razor-life. First I looked on Youtube. I decided to summarize what I found, in order to have a single reference to share with others when this subject comes up.

The advice can be broken down into a few main points:

1. Preparing to Shave
2. Daily Maintenance of the Razor
3. Weekly Sharpening

Preparing to Shave

I'd never really given this process that much thought. Like most guys, I learned to shave from watching my father. He never really gave that much instruction on anything in my life--he was more of a "just do it" sort of person. So after decades of shaving, I finally learned that even getting ready to shave can help extend the blade's life. First, put a drop of oil on the blade (I use olive oil). Even though most blades come with a lubricant strip, this step helps the blades glide easier over the face. I apply it by putting a drop or two on a plate then putting the blade face down on the plate.

Second: After applying the shaving cream to your face, do not immediately start shaving. Instead, wait about 1 minute to allow the shaving cream to soften your face and stubble. You will get a much smoother shave by doing this and also reduce the stress on the blades. (By the way, putting gobs of cream on your face like they show in commercials is completely unnecessary. Commercials do that both for dramatic effect and to get you to thoughtlessly waste product so you have to buy more. Applying a thin layer is plenty. If, after waiting the minute, the cream has started to dry out, merely put another thin layer on your face, and then start shaving.)

Daily Maintenance of the Razor

Drying: As I already mentioned, gently tapping the blade on a cloth (I use just a typical facial cloth) will help remove most of the moisture. One video I watched recommended putting the blade into a bag of rice because the rice will draw out any residual moisture. It works but that means you need to come back later to apply the oil. It just is not convenient. So tapping dry is better for me. 

Protecting: After the blade is mostly dry by tapping on a cloth, once again apply some oil to the blade. The oil will dispel any residual moister and preserve the blade.

Weekly Sharpening
First off, you do not have to do this until you first start noticing your blade becoming dull. After it comes dull, this will extend the life of your blade at least another month, maybe more. It can be used with any blade, including the use-once and discard blades such as the ones pictured here.

This video recommends using jeans to sharpen the blades. I thought this was a hoax but realized I had nothing to lose by trying it. Surprisingly it does work. In fact, the blade actually seemed to give me smoother shave than when it was brand new. Another video recommends merely using your own arm to sharpen the blade. I tried it and got razor burn on my arm. I wouldn't recommend it, but maybe it won't irritate your skin.

(Updated 2011-1226)

Cold Season: Reducing Nasal Congestion Discomfort

First of all, if you've never heard or seen this, it may sound/appear gross. However, what is worse--going through a box of facial tissue in less than a day and having your nose sore or using this & saving yourself from relentless nose blowing. THIS REALLY HELPS!

Here is an excellent video on how to use it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9i6x6uGm2k&feature=related

I keep two sheets of paper towels, one each to use for blowing my nose after rinsing each side.

Bought the Neti-Pot at Bed Bath & Beyound
This is what the one that I use looks like:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8KOsNtpV8w

Depending on how much water the one you buy holds, you will use anywhere from one-quarter to one-half teaspoon of salt per fill of the pot. What i do is pre-mix about a couple pints worth, heating in the microwave to ensure the salt is dissolved. Then, as the need arises, I fill the neti pot with the pre-mixed solution and heat in microwave for about 30 to 45 seconds. That is plenty "warm" enough to be comfortable and not burn your nasal passages.

You don't have to buy their special salt. Any non-iodized salt (ice cream freezing salt) will do.

Update here