Monday, February 20, 2017

A Marker In the Ground

I wish I knew what was happening to me.  Maybe someone coming after me can benefit from my experience if they see the same trends in themselves. I noticed some dark changes in my personality and I don’t like them at all. A couple weeks ago I was in the kitchen when I was overcome with a hugely intense dizzy spell and collapsed to the floor. I have never ever had such an intense spell. I was both unable and unwilling to try to get up and stayed on the floor for at least 5 minutes. Since then I’ve noticed a tremor in my right hand, vision difficulties, shortness of temper—at the most insignificantly stupid things. I've also developed an odd stutter especially with words beginning with "sh" or "st." I’ve become critical at everyone around me and prefer just to be left alone. Where I used to be an eager and constant participant at my religious meetings, now I just sit and quietly listen. I want to participate, I just can get myself to do it.

I’ve mentioned before that my oncologist’s best-guess is that I have about 6 months to live. I really don’t feel that I am that close to death. But there are times while lying in bed that I get a mildly sharp pain in my chest. Insomnia seems to be my constant nightly companion and an ever-increasingly LOUD tinnitus dominates my life 24/7. Perhaps these things have added to my short temper, but I really hate to make excuses. I ought to know better. I am very angry and frustrated with my body for the way it seems to be abandoning me. I dread the idea of becoming incapacitated. Now that I’ve sold my car (after driving for nearly 50 years) and having to be dependent on everyone for getting around, I already see the “writing on the wall” regarding my near future and I don’t like it one bit. Unlike others, I thought of myself as being pretty good about accepting my limitations, but lately I’m not so sure about that.

In short, I hate my body for not letting me rest and for letting me down. I hate myself for alienating those close to me. I wish I understood why I’m acting this way. I’m better than that—or at least I thought I was. I want this article to be a “marker in the ground” so that in a few months I can look back and compare. Again, hopefully someone else will somehow find this helpful.

Please note: I am not looking for any feedback on this post.

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